I wrote this list in late-2008. Around that time, I was lucky enough to
discover a book called,
The Introvert Advantage (How To Thrive in an Extrovert
World), by Marti Laney, Psy.D. It felt like someone had written an encyclopedia
entry on a rare race of people to which I belong. Not only had it explained many
of my eccentricities, it helped me to redefine my entire life in a new and
productive context.
Sure, anyone who knows me would say, “Duh! Why did it take you so long to
realize you’re an Introvert?” It’s not that simple. The problem is that labeling
someone as an Introvert is a very shallow assessment, full of common
misconceptions. It’s more complex than that.
A section of Laney’s book (page 71 through page 75) maps out the human
brain and explains how neuro-transmitters follow different dominant paths in the
nervous systems of Introverts and Extroverts. If the science behind the book is
correct, it turns out that Introverts are people who are over-sensitive to
Dopamine, so too much external stimulation overdoses and exhausts them.
Conversely, Extroverts can’t get enough Dopamine, and they require Adrenaline
for their brains to create it. Extroverts also have a shorter pathway and less
blood-flow to the brain. The messages of an Extrovert’s nervous system mostly
bypass the Broca’s area in the frontal lobe, which is where a large portion of
contemplation takes place.
Undervaluing extroversion. Spending time alone and with people are equally
important. If you’re very introverted, you may undervalue the positive role
people can play in your life, such as knowledge, friendship, growth, laughter,
and so on. The optimal outcome is to strike a balance between the two. You don’t
have to give up the introvert activities you enjoy. In fact, when you balance
them with more social activities, you’ll probably find them even more
satisfying. After several nights of being around people, I really look forward
to a night by myself to read, meditate, write, etc. And after lots of time alone
or with my family, I’m itching to go out and be around other people.
Underdeveloped social skills. Social skills can be learned like any other
skill set. One reason introverts shy away from social activities is that they
don’t feel comfortable because they don’t know what to do, especially if the
unexpected were to occur. Being able to start up a conversation with a stranger
AND feel completely comfortable doing it is a learnable skill. The more you do
it, the better you get at it. Embrace the fact that you’re a beginner, and don’t
compare yourself to others.
Envisioning yourself as the wrong kind of extrovert. If you find the
extroverted people around you shallow and perhaps even annoying, why would you
want to be more like them? You wouldn’t. When I was a kid, I really didn’t want
to be more like the extroverts I knew. Even as an adult, my vision of an
extrovert was an in-your-face salesperson who only wanted to build a shallow
relationship with you so they could sell you something. It seemed very fake and
phony to me. And of course that vision prevented me from ever wanting to be like
that. But you needn’t choose such a limited vision for yourself — you’re free to
form your own vision of a positive way to be more extroverted.
Hanging out with the wrong people. Why would you want to spend more time
with people you don’t like? If becoming more extroverted means spending more
time with people you’d rather avoid, you’ll have no motivation to do it. Again,
you’re free to break this pattern and form a social group that you’d love to be
a part of.
Overvaluing online socializing. Online socializing has its place in your
life, but it’s a pale shadow compared to face-to-face, belly-to-belly
communication. Voice and body language can communicate a lot more than text, and
emotional bonds are easier and faster to establish in person. I feel much closer
to the local friends I’ve known for only a few months than I do to the people
I’ve known online for years but never met in person. It’s just not as fun going
out to dinner with a laptop. You don’t have to do away with online socializing,
but don’t allow it to crowd out meeting people locally. If you do that, you’ll
only cause your interpersonal skills to lag further behind.
If you have some of these blocks and want to get past them, the first step
is to acknowledge them and consider how they’re holding you back. Then begin to
work on them just as you would any other challenge in your life. Focus your
intentions, set goals, make plans, and start taking action. It may be awkward
and clumsy at first, but just accept that, and get moving anyway.
Assert yourself as a legitimate personality type.
There are two legitimate personality types: extroverts and introverts.2.
Correct people when they refer to introverts as neurotics.
Introverts are not neurotics. They are introverts.3. Correct people when
they refer to introverts as prone to mental illness.
Introverts are no more prone to mental illness than others. When extroverts
are under stress, they overeat, smoke, drink and become violent. When introverts
are under stress, they withdraw. This does not make them mentally ill.4. Correct
people when they assert that introverts are anti-social.
Introverts are not anti-social. They are drained by other people and must
limit their time in company, but they are friendly and loving people.5. Correct
people when they assert that introverts have nothing to say.
On the contrary, introverts won’t speak unless they have something
important to say! Put a proper value on your ability to be a good
listener.
Good listening skills are invaluable in all areas of business and
industry.7. Do not apologize for time spent alone.
Explain to critical “others” that introverts need to spend at least half
their time alone for good mental and emotional health. Then assert, if
necessary, that introverts are a legitimate personality type.8. Introverts are
not losers.
Take pride that you are in the company of such introverts, past and
present, as Albert Einstein, Steven Spielberg, Queen Elizabeth II, Charles
Darwin, Mahatma Gandhi, Michael Jordan and Bruce Lee.9. Stand up for introverted
children who are being misunderstood in your presence.
This is one of the most healing things you can possibly do for yourself as
it will heal your own inner child.10. Don’t let pushy extroverts interrupt you
while you’re reading a good book.
Explain politely that you can’t talk right now, you’re reading a book.