How To Stay Calm And Avoid A Fight

We've all been there. You and your spouse or partner get into a fight over who knows what, or you and your child/teen start fighting over their messy bedroom. Whatever the case, I hope these pointers can help relax an argument, if not prevent it altogether! For purposes of this post, let's say you're fighting with your partner, but of course the advice is applicable to arguments in general, so you can change the words to fit your situation.

1. Don't yell. If the other person has raised his or her voice, your natural response will be to raise yours in return. But don't do it. Instead, force yourself to continue speaking in a calm, well-modulated voice, even when someone is in your face making demands or getting critical. Calm is often contagious, so if you can maintain self-control, chances are your opponent will follow suit.
　　
2. Watch your body language. Tensing muscles is normal when under duress. But become aware of when you start to clench your fists or fold your arms across your chest. Either posture puts you in the position of looking like you're ready to fight, whether verbally or physically. Instead, let your arms hang naturally at your sides. Keep a neutral expression on your face or offer a gentle, empathetic smile on occasion. Maintain casual eye contact to show that you are listening. Face the person directly without turning sideways or interrupting the conversation to speak to someone else, unless it is necessary.

Speak as if there were a small, sleeping baby in the room next to you. You've breathed, you're (slightly) more relaxed, and you've opened your mouth to speak. Now's the time to really break out that imagination of yours and pretend that there's a sleeping baby in the room that you really don't want to wake up. This should keep your voice at a calm, soft range, and, as a bonus, your fighting partner will cool her jets because she won't feel threatened or challenged!

Put your hands in your pockets. It sounds a little strange, but it works. A lot of the energy that comes out when we have fights is conjured up by moving our hands around, pointing fingers, sometimes even raising fists. Putting your hands in your pockets and keeping them there prevents excess energy from going to where it's doing more harm than good.

Speak slowly. This last step might prove a little difficult. When we're angry, we have a tendency to spew out profanities or speeches that really don't get us anywhere, even if what we're saying is true or productive. Remember what your parents used to say about thinking before you speak? Exactly. Talking fast in an argument, even though we often do it without realizing it, can lead to saying something you might regret later.

Keep your voice at a pace you would use if you were talking to the person normally; you can even take it a bit slower, if you want to. Talking slower can also cause you to breathe more, which can take us back to Step One, and can essentially calm us down.

Some of these techniques work best if practiced before stress and conflict arise; they will be more effective and you will respond more quickly. Shifting from the high level “fight or flight” to a calmer,relaxed state will allow you to effectively communicate your thoughts to your partner and listen to his/her ideas.

So now, you have both spent some time apart reflecting on the argument. But first, he did some deep breathing, listened to some sublime music and you took Buddy for an invigorating walk. You both decide to express the honest rationale for your desired choice of vacation. He shares that because of the stress at work, he wants to be in nature and away from people, except you! You agree about the work stress, but want to be by the ocean and don’t want all the work involved with camping. You find a superb little get away with a secluded beach and hiking trails. Ahhh, bliss!